Land of Entrapment

While their license plates say that New Mexico is the Land of Enchantment, I've heard more than once from more than one independent source that New Mexico is the Land of Entrapment. It's felt like the Hotel California: You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

I have been trying to leave for two days now.

Yesterday, I tried to leave, and I made it from Santa Fe, where I have been staying, to Albuquerque, almost 45 minutes away, before I turned around and went back to Santa Fe. I decided to leave yesterday because I had a schedule to keep and places I planned to see. I'd already delayed a day. I have a car to return in a couple weeks. I had almost 8,000 miles to cover. I have friends who have lives and schedules and they want to see me, and I want to see them. They have bosses and jobs and all that nonsense that I had to respect. I had to get going. That was my thinking when I decided to leave.

Gratefully, I did not get too far down the road before I was struck by an idea. It honestly felt like a divine inspiration. I'll prefer to think that it was from the Land of Enchantment/Entrapment...or call it God, if you're inclined. I'll just say that it felt like something bigger than me was lovingly slapping me upside the head and saying, "Hey Chica, WTF are you doing? You say you took this trip to get answers to some of life's hard questions, to do new things, to explore new paradigms, to get a new framework for looking at and living life. And you're leaving because you are afraid that you won't get enough of your arbitrarily set mileage under your wheels, because your supposed friends would -- what? -- stop talking to you if your schedules did not mesh up? This is about putting on your own air mask first, Chica. You have good friends. They will be there for you, whether it works to see them now or not. This is not about your schedule, a schedule that you made up and you can change, by the way. You need to take care of yourself right now." That's what the voice -- except I get "messages from God" as feelings, not voices -- that's what the feeling said to me.

I have actually been learning and exploring a lot about myself and my questions here in Santa Fe, and when I have wanted to leave, it hasn't felt right so far. In fact, while my friends were perfectly willing to let me go if I wanted to, it felt like they were begging me to stay. (They're pretty intuitive friends.) And I have wanted to go, or said I wanted to go, to keep my schedule and my goals intact. Yet, I've done things like engaged in extremely stimulating hours-long conversations about esoteric, intellectual ideals for just long enough that leaving at that later hour seemed impractical. I think my higher self was sabotaging my plans knowing that I enjoy few things more than stimulating conversation. I did get some good personal insights along the way, so it wasn't totally just mental masturbation!

Actually, I had quite a full day yesterday. When I unpacked again at my friends' house for yet another night, I was spent. I took a long nap and then slept a full night on top of it. It seemed like my body just needed time to integrate all the new insights. I'd spent a lot of time yesterday with my friend, Judy, at the Scher Center for Wellbeing, and I have been staying with my friends, Srideep and Laura. Laura is also a practitioner at the Center. After I talked (and cried) with both of them yesterday, I realized what they do for a living and what they were doing, very intensively, for/with me, was precisely what I'd been looking for. It added to all the other things I have been doing here in Santa Fe.

I think I will leave today, to see my friends in California, but it will be with a lot of new wisdom about me; how I make choices; which kinds of choices work for me and which don't; how I think and act when I am/am not living from a energized, resourceful place; how to stay energized; why that matters, etc. I know a lot of this stuff, since I have also been studying it for the past few years, but I forget. Like many people, I sometimes get sucked into what we tend to call life, and I forget what living is all about.

I am definitely not saying that I have the answers to the questions I set out to seek, and I am not sure they will come in such a stark way. Right now, I am working on BEING in a most authentic way, and I expect the answers will come. In fact, I fully expect that the "questions" will change in such a way that what I am referring to here as "answers" will probably be irrelevant. New questions will come instead.

I've officially decided to scrap the schedule and itinerary. I think I am leaving Santa Fe, for now, but I might be back. It is the Land of Entrapment, after all. I really want to see my friends in California. This stop has been just what I needed. I trust that I will know what I need to do when I need to do it next, and I trust it will come to me at just the right moment.

Night Sounds

                                        

Like I said, it had been a long time since I camped. I love camping. The smells, the sounds, the grit of sand in everything. Awesomeness.

I am borrowing a tent. It’s one of those popup tents. I tell you, whoever invented that thing is a genius. How in the world anyone thought that if you’d just bend this twisty pole this way and that one that way, it will lie down flat as a saucer. If you unleash the band holding the tension, poof! You have a tent that you can stand up in! Pure genius! Unfortunately, you also have to be a genius to get it to go back into the saucer shape so you can, oh, I dunno, put it in your car and continue down the road! I did it…kind of…but it might be worth it to stop somewhere and see if I can invest in yet another tent for my own private collection, which is already substanial. A collection, I might add, which is currently in a storage unit in Michigan.

So yeah. Another thing I didn’t have was a camping mat. I have two of them in my stash in Michigan, one that I just brought home from Afghanistan. I never thought I’d need it in DC. One of my friends wisely suggested that I go to Walmart and buy an end-of-season air mattress. I did that. I even got a fancy one for $5.00 instead of the cheap, ordinary one they had for $2.00. Woo-hoo. My friend is very smart. (He also showed me how to fold the pop-up tent, which was a lot easier when we did it together.

Maybe I need to check Walmart for tents. I wonder if they’d be cheaper in Arkansas.

So, last night, as I was falling asleep to a chorus of crickets singing in beautiful harmony, thanking goodness for my good fortune, to be surrounded by such beauty, realizing that my $5.00 air mattress was quite sufficient and my borrowed down sleeping bag, that the same friend said was older than me, was just warm enough. All was well.

I had drifted off to sleep when I was awakened by what sounded like the howling of a dog. Interesting. I wonder if Oscar heard that.

Being a dachshund, Oscar was burrowed in as far as he could go into the mummy bag, where I was also sleeping. I think this was his first time camping, so he was plastered up against me, which made turning and adjusting difficult. And with so much on my mind lately, I have been a very restless sleeper. It simply wouldn’t do, so I shoved him down to the end of the bag, where my feet were, where there was more room, and he had his safe little cocoon. I hoped he wouldn’t get too hot because he wasn’t getting out too easily with me in there.

Anyway, the coyotes or whatever they were, were baying – attacking something or mating or whatever. I remembered once we’d heard them when I was at Rusty’s cabin not too far from here.

A little while later, I heard another sound, the long, low “whooooooooooo, whooooooooooooo” of an owl. I’d learned what owls sound like when I was at the Sandy Creek Nature Center in Athens, Georgia, where I’d served on the Board of Directors. Yep, I said to myself, owls are night creatures. I love camping. And I dozed off to sleep again.

A while later, I was awakened by footsteps. There was someone walking around my tent! Holy shit! There was someone walking around my tent. Where is Oscar? WTF kind of attack dog are you, Oscar, all shoved down there in the sleeping bag?? There is someone outside!! I quickly thought about what was out there. What could they want? I have been camping enough to know you don’t leave valuable things out. Everything was either locked in the car or in the tent with me. I’m not going out there in the middle of the night, I thought. They can take my camping chair. Where was my knife?

The footsteps were walking all around the tent. In my restlessness, I had scooted myself to the far end of the tent, and I was all the way in the back corner. I just listened. Then I started thinking. Those were quick, light footsteps. Those were not human footsteps.

Again, I thought, what did I leave outside? Dog food? Ah, I think I left the can from the meal replacement shake that I had for dinner. Well, that was stupid. Wait, no. I distinctly remember locking that in the trash bag in the car. What is it? Well, this IS bear country. I’d seen them up at the cabin. But the campground didn’t have bear bins or signs. Anyway, I am definitely not getting out of the tent.

The footsteps continued. Then they stopped. Then, it sounded like a zipper was coming undone. It was coming into my tent! Maybe I was wrong! Was it a human? Wait! That’s not a zipper!!!!! That’s not a human! That’s a stream of piss!!! The little bastard is pissing on my tent!!!

It took a split second for that to run through my head, and I pounded on the tent wall. I think/hope it scared the effing creature so much that I didn’t even hear it scamper away. The “zipper” sound stopped and so did the footsteps.

In the morning, I awoke, and sure enough the tent was covered in dew, and there was one spot in the back where the water pattern was just a little different. I rinsed it off with water and attempted the semi-futile effort of trying to fold the genius pop-up tent.

Oh, and I said a special prayer (and by prayer, I mean curse) for the previous occupants of tent site #26 at the Panther Creek State Park campground in Morrisville, TN. For dumping your leftover vegetables in the drainage ditch by the woods, may a thousand raccoons piss on your home. You are truly idiots.

Dateline: Panther Creek State Park Campground, Morristown, Tennessee

Somewhere along the line, I lost the post for Roanoke. Sorry, Steve!

It’s been a long time since I went camping. I actually got settled a lot faster than I expected, and there was more sunlight than I expected when I was done, but I still would not have liked to go further. The next camping opportunity we would have had would have been past Knoxville, and I am pretty sure I would have run out of daylight by the time I got settled there.

This is fine. This is a nice park, a bit out of the way, but that is OK too. Peace and quiet -- and did I mention peace? -- is good.

Oscar and I went on a little hike after we arrived, and he got to smell a new smell: deer! He was all for tracking the loping creature through the woods, but I didn’t think that was wise. Of course, it’s not nice to harass wildlife, but it is getting dark and there are people (and park rangers) lurking about. Oscar always comes when I call him at home, even if he is on a scent, but no. We’re not chasing deer in the state park tonight. Sorry, boy.

Once again, the driving today was all interstate. I didn’t leave Roanoke until about 10:45, which was perfect since I was up late last night talking to Steve. I met my friend, Sherrie, in Blacksburg. Sherrie worked with me at UGA, and we had lunch together. That was really a special treat. Seeing Sherrie was a treat, indeed, but she works at the Maryland Virginia College of Veterinary Medicine, which is on Virginia Tech’s campus, so Oscar and I got a tour of their (pretty incredible) facility there.

We also met Terry (I think that was her name), a veterinary toxicologist at the school. She told us about a discovery made at the school recently showing that common household cleaners cause damage to reproductive systems in mice. That’s pretty big news. One thing I have enjoyed about working at a university is access there is such a diversity of cutting edge information.

Unfortunately, my friends in Asheville are currently in Seattle, so it didn’t make sense for me to drive down to North Carolina. I have seen the Blue Ridge Parkway many times, and it was trying to rain for a while today, so I just stayed on I-81 and went straight to Tennessee.

When I did my Southeast USA road trip in March, I went through the Smoky Mountain National Park. Plus, my friend, Rusty, has a cabin just outside Gatlinburg – it’s for sale, if anyone is interested! – and I have been to the cabin with him many, many times. For all those reasons, I’m not too sad about moving quickly through this part of the country or staying on the interstate.

I am not sure when I will run into any more friends. Maybe not until I get out west. This part of the country still feels very familiar, so I am sure the full effects of hitting the road won’t sink in until at least Friday or later.

It’s 9 pm here and the crickets are singing in harmony. The sun is completely down, and I am sure it will wake me when it rises, so…until tomorrow, good night.

Day 1 - The Route

Go ahead. You can tell me I am crazy. I feel like I am crazy. Of course, some in my circle of friends think that crazy is the only way to be. Sometimes I believe that too. Actually, most times I believe that. You can't inspire change in the world unless you're doing things a little differently.

So...Oscar and I are embarking on a pilgrimage. We're taking the next month or two to drive around the USA and Canada. We'll cover about 8,000 miles. It's the old fashioned contemplative kind of pilgrimage where you try to find answers to life's hard questions. It's also a modern kind, with the benefits of America's interstate system and a nice black steed in the shape of a Ford Fusion. I am going to camp wherever I can, and while I have a general path and direction set out, I'm planning to stop along the way and take scenic routes and state roads when the whim strikes.

This is the tentative general plan:

Begin in Washington, D.C. - Almost all of my worldly possessions are in a storage unit in Michigan, so I have some borrowed things and some new purchases of duplicate things, and a secure knowledge that I really don't need much.

I don't have a car of my own, so I rented one from the car rental place at the corner. It's a place that I walked past every day on my way to work. One day, one of the workers said as I was walking by, "Good morning, beautiful!" I remember that day very clearly. He really did make me feel pretty that day.

The same guy remembered me today when I walked into the store. He jokingly asked if I came to see him, and I smiled and said, "I came to rent a car!" He was happy to help me. And by "help" I mean upgrade me a level (or two), give me free Sirius radio and a half tank of gas. He hugged me three times and gave me a peck on the cheek, wishing me luck on my journey. Later he called me, from his cell phone, just to make sure I liked the car, and so I would have his number...just in case I wanted to call.

Drive to Asheville, NC via the Blue Ridge Parkway - I can't think of a better way to start this trip than by stopping to see my friends, Brian and Jenny Lumb at Nourish and Flourish in Asheville. Their comfort, perspective, wisdom, good humor are all going to be so great as I embark on a journey like this. I am soooo looking forward to seeing them again. Jenny's organic juices are super too.

Drive through Memphis, TN - I am going to skip Georgia this time. I was there in March and May already. I love it there, and I have soooo many friends. Athens and Atlanta are very comfortable, but I'm all about doing new things on this trip. I've never been to Western Tennessee, and I am told that everyone needs to go to Graceland at least once.

Drive across Arkansas - There are only five U.S. states where I haven't set my feet upon the soil, and this is one of them. I have to do it.

Drive to Albuquerque, NM - I took I-40 across the USA in 1993, when I moved out to Los Angeles from Michigan for grad school. There wasn't much to recall about Oklahoma or the Texas panhandle, except the billboards that went on forever challenging you to eat the 72 oz steak at The Big Texan Steak Ranch. Once I realized that 72 oz was 4 1/2 pounds of red meat (plus a salad and potato, I am told) I got disgusted just thinking about the waste, the gluttony, the indigestion. I am not sure even Oscar could eat 4.5 pounds of steak. He'd like a chance to try though. (Not gonna happen.) Well, this will be a good stretch for thinking.

I remember having the thought, as I drove I-40 into New Mexico in 1993, that it was a travesty that the young United States paid almost as much ($10 million) for the 29,670 sq. mile Gasden Purchase in 1853 as we paid for the entire 828,000 sq. mi. Louisiana Purchase ($11 million, plus the cancellation of almost $4 million in debt) because as far as I could tell, there wasn't much to see in New Mexico.

Well, one summer night, I got off the interstate and went to Sandia Crest, near Albuquerque, to watch a sunset. I still remember how it made me feel. It was one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. I fell in love with the desert southwest that day, and I think that Gasden Purchase was a pretty smart thing. (Never mind the contribution to peace after the Mexican-American war. I'm all about the scenery.) I can't wait to get back to New Mexico. I might stay a few days.

Oh, and the night skies in New Mexico and Arizona are absolutely spectacular.

Drive to San Diego, CA -- Once I get past Flagstaff, Arizona, I'll find some path to San Diego, where a few of my best friends live. I haven't decided about stopping at the Grand Canyon. I've rafted through it, and I have to say that seeing it from the rim -- which I have done a couple times -- doesn't do it justice compared to passing through it on the river for days. I remember on that rafting trip, someone said to the guide, "It's Sunday! We're missing church!" The guide looked at this guy like he was crazy and said, "Look around you, man! If you can't see that you're surrounded by the hand of God in every direction, you need to look a little harder." Amen.

I might like to go to Death Valley just because I haven't been there yet.

I might sojourn down to Tijuana just to do it.

Drive to Vancouver, BC via the Pacific Coast Highway -- After I leave San Diego, I fully expect that this next stretch will be a big portion of my trip with many stops and detours. I spent four years living in Los Angeles, and I love California for a lot of reasons. A young woman I met earlier this year in Los Angeles and I are collaborating on a leadership development project in Africa, so I'll see her. I've been talking with someone in LA about a corporate job too. Maybe I can see her. One of my buddies from Afghanistan lives near Sacramento, so I will see him. I love Big Sur and Carmel-by-the-Sea. I'll have to see the seals. I'll spend some time in Napa Valley and among the Redwoods. The Oregon Coast is a special place. I have relatives in Washington state, and it sure would be great to get together if our schedules mesh. I also have friends in Vancouver, whom I have been threatening to visit since we attended a seminar together in January. I have been told I can't miss Vancouver Island.

Drive to Calgary, AB - I had a trip planned in 1998 to go to the Canadian Rockies, and I ended up moving from Los Angeles to Detroit instead. (Weather wise, LA to Detroit was not one of my smarter moves.) I would really like finally to see the Canadian Rockies, including Lake Louise and Banff and maybe Jasper, and to see Western Canada.

Drive to Winnipeg, MB via the Trans-Canada Highway - It's where I need to turn to get a few more of my missing states.

Drive to Council Bluffs, IA - On the way, I pass through North Dakota and Nebraska, two more of my missing states. Iowa is another one. After that, I am only missing Rhode Island, and I won't make it there on this trip.

Drive to Warren, MI - I'll pass through Chicago and visit with a friend or two. I will stop at my parents' house to get my mail, take care of some errands, see my family and celebrate my step-father's birthday.

Drive to Washington, DC - Perhaps I'll go by way of Toronto (to see friends) or maybe by way of the Jersey Shore, where some other friends have invited me for a week at Labor Day. We'll see how road weary Oscar and I are feeling by that time.

So that's the plan. Hopefully I can get some clarity about what's next in my life. I kind of feel like I am crazy for quitting my cushy, high-paying government job with nothing to go to, to load up a car with my dog and drive across the country, but that's what I am doing. Personally, I was not fulfilled in that job, and I happen to think I have a lot more passion to share with the world.

Carpe diem.